The Advice from My Dad Which Saved Me when I became a New Father

"I believe I was just just surviving for the first year."

One-time reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her main carer while also looking after their infant son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.

The direct words "You are not in a good spot. You require some help. In what way can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now more comfortable talking about the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles dads encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a larger failure to talk between men, who still internalise harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing every time."

"It is not a display of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the space to request a break - spending a short trip overseas, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son better understand the language of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "terrible actions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, turning in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You turn to substances that don't help," he says. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a family member, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is coping.
• Connect with other new dads - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the feelings safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to control themselves for their children.

"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are on this path."