Navigating the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
